Our daily lives are dictated by familiar routines that go something like this: Wake at 6 a.m., shower, go to work, prepare and eat dinner, tidy up the house, head to bed at 10 p.m. Then, set the alarm to repeat it all over again the next day. And the next.
But sprinkled in between all of these have-to-do tasks day after day, week after week, many couples carve out special time and space for certain want-to-do moments they enjoy together: They work in the gardens on Saturdays; they share a kiss on weekdays before heading to the office; they eat pizza, drink wine, and watch a movie every Friday night.
Unlike the routine habits or obligations people feel they must get done, relationship rituals are pleasurable experiences that hold significance, acting as symbolically meaningful signs of a solid and happy partnership. Couples who are deliberate about engaging in rituals feel more satisfied, invested in, and committed to their relationships than couples who don't bother with them, according to an April article in the Journal of the Association for Consumer Research, Rituals and Nuptials: The Emotional and Relational Consequences of Relationship Rituals.
Ximena Garcia-Rada
Even simple acts that may seem mundane, like making coffee every morning for a spouse, often come with a strong emotional backdrop, boosting the bond between couples, say the coauthors, Harvard Professor Michael I. Norton, HBS doctoral candidate Ximena Garcia-Rada, and Ovul Sezer, assistant professor at the University of North Carolina's Kenan-Flagler Business School.
"Relationship rituals are powerful commitment devices," Garcia-Rada says. "They help people establish a sense of who they are as a couple. Couples are protective of the special moments they share because of what the activity represents. And that translates into higher relationship satisfaction."
Note: Participants were asked to rate on a scale of 1-9 their agreement with statements that reflect their relationship commitment, investment, and satisfaction.
Source: “Rituals and Nuptials: The Emotional and Relational Consequences of Relationship Rituals” by Ximena Garcia-Rada, Ovul Sezer, and Michael I. Norton
The researchers' study focused on couples, but rituals are used in a variety of settings, including the workplace, they say. Some businesses incorporate rituals to create stronger bonds between workers and a greater commitment to companies.
IDEO, for example, has asked employees to step away from their work to meet up for a weekly tea time ritual as a way to encourage workers to collaborate, connect, build trust, and deepen workplace relationships.
Walmart founder Sam Walton started leading workers in morning chants to spell out the name of the retailer after visiting a tennis ball factory in Korea where the workers did a company cheer and calisthenics together every morning.
"My feeling is that just because we work so hard, we don't have to go around with long faces all the time," Walton is quoted as saying on a company website. "It's sort of a 'whistle while you work' philosophy, and we not only have a heck of a good time with it, we work better because of it."
Why rituals are important
Rituals have two key traits: They involve a repeated pattern of activity that continues over time, and they have shared symbolic meaning.
Rituals are common in all kinds of social relationships, from religious gatherings and sports games, to holiday celebrations and business meetings. Families engage in rituals when they celebrate weddings or birthdays or pay their respects to those who have died. These rituals can help people cope with grief, boost enjoyment of a special occasion, or reduce anxiety before a concert or athletic performance.
"Despite the fact that people usually don't talk about their own rituals, they're surprisingly ubiquitous."
But people don't engage in rituals only on special occasions. Even the daily gathering of parents and kids at the same table every night for dinner can make that time feel less like eating an ordinary meal and more like sharing a meaningful family ritual.
Types of rituals: from date nights to chores
In terms of couples, previous research shows that divorced couples are less likely to report engaging in rituals than married couples. Norton, Garcia-Rada, and Sezer were interested in further exploring the impact of rituals on romantic relationships.
In one of their studies, a whopping 70 percent of the 200 people surveyed said they engaged in relationship rituals. "When we ask people whether they have rituals, it's astonishing how many people say 'yes,'" Norton says. "Despite the fact that people usually don't talk about their own rituals, they're surprisingly ubiquitous in so many domains of our lives."
The researchers separated the types of relationship rituals into various categories:
- Date or leisure activity: This was the most common type of ritual, with 63 percent of respondents engaging in them. Study participants reported things like: "Every Friday night we make popcorn and watch a movie together."" Or, "We drink wine and have Chinese food every Friday night when the kids go to bed.
Source: “Rituals and Nuptials: The Emotional and Relational Consequences of Relationship Rituals” by Ximena Garcia-Rada, Ovul Sezer, and Michael I. Norton
- Affection or intimacy: Among those surveyed, 16 percent said they were involved in affectionate rituals with their partners. For example, one person said, "When we kiss, we do it in threes. Not sure why this started, but after 22 years, it feels really weird if it is not in threes." Norton notes, "This is their own thing, something other people don't do, so it's special to them. And it's also free. You don't have to do something major or spend money on a dinner out to have a ritual that's psychologically powerful for your relationship."
- Thoughtful gesture: Another 11 percent of respondents made a point of doing something thoughtful for their partner regularly. For example, one person said, "Every morning I text her 'Good morning, beautiful.'"
- Household chore: Even an activity that might otherwise be viewed as drudgery can be meaningful when a couple does it together; 6 percent of respondents said their rituals involved chores. "We make sure we go to the grocery store together, every Sunday at 9 a.m.," one person said.
- Religious or spiritual experience: Two percent of those surveyed said they regularly got involved in a religious or spiritual activity with their partners. "We pray before I leave for work every day," one person said.
The activity itself didn't matter as much as the way the couple viewed it. In fact, the same actions—going on a regular date night or making coffee for a partner—may be framed by some couples as mere routines, but by others as meaningful rituals.
The researchers found that the benefits of relationship rituals emerged especially when both members of the couple acknowledged that they actually have them. Couples who agreed that they did indeed have a ritual—meaning they both saw an activity they did regularly together as symbolically important and enjoyable rather than a must-do activity or a habit—were significantly more satisfied than couples who did not have a ritual or who disagreed on whether they had a ritual.
"This is a key piece. Both parties have to be on the same page about the relationship ritual being a priority," Garcia-Rada says. "They can either explicitly agree on it, or it can happen in a more tacit way, where it doesn't need to be stated, but they start getting pizza every Friday night and it's fun, so they keep doing it and then they realize they've been doing it the whole year. Either way, it's a commitment, and neither person forgets to have quality time together on this shared interest or activity."
How businesses can benefit
What business leaders might find especially interesting about the research results: Many rituals that couples perform involve some form of joint consumption of products or services. In one study, 64 percent of the rituals involved consumption of a good or service. A survey respondent said for example, "We go out to eat and then usually go to a movie or see a band at a bar," while other respondents described ordering takeout or cooking together at home.
Source: “Rituals and Nuptials: The Emotional and Relational Consequences of Relationship Rituals” by Ximena Garcia-Rada, Ovul Sezer, and Michael I. Norton
Garcia-Rada says companies could find creative ways to leverage the research results, for example by figuring out how they can foster relationship rituals in consumers.
"Most companies that sell products and services are also selling experiences and connections," Garcia-Rada says. "If they know people are going to a certain restaurant every week or using a certain product at home regularly, they could find ways to promote repeated purchases by sending coupons, subscription plans, or even gift cards to encourage couples to continue their rituals and become part of that ritual."
Norton says some businesses already seem aware of the power of rituals. Years ago, for example, Starbucks put the slogan "Take comfort in rituals" on its store doors, along with an image of a steaming cup of coffee.
"Starbucks was looking to enhance customers' coffee consumption, and rituals are one underutilized tool for enhancing people's emotional experiences," Norton says. "And our research shows that when people do spend money on rituals, especially with their partners, they consider it both money and time well-spent."
Dina Gerdeman is senior writer at Harvard Business School Working Knowledge. Ailyn Pestana, junior designer and photo coordinator at Harvard Business School, created the charts above. Image: svetikd
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What rituals do you apply in your own life?
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